i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
