I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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