I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
