I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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