then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
