You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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