did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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