tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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