I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
