i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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