You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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