Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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