Farmville is her only friend.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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