My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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