Have you finally orgasmed yet?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Randomize
