sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
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