are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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