i think my mom watched the whole time
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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