just come out here and I will go home with you...
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Randomize
