Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
