he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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