He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just want nice things and good sex
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
