I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
