He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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