i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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