Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize
