I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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