Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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