no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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