You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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