he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I faked an abortion last night.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
