1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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