sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
