Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize