I've blown a few things in my day
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize