never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
he had hair everywhere except his balls
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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