Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
