it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
