you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
"it" just moved
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
