They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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