We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
