Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
