What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
