I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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