I'm gonna have a badass scar
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
