Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
