Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
