my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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