I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
