Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
