When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
