i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm passing your future prison.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize