Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
