He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
