Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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