I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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