Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
