Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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