Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
