Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
